Dear Anxiety...Sincerely, Yet Another Grad Student
This post contains affiliate links, which earn me a small commission on products I’m already in love with. This is at no extra cost to you! Thank you for supporting The Greenest Blue.
I’m so sick of starting blog posts and then leaving them to rot like weeks old peaches on the counter. And I love peaches! I have no idea why I didn’t eat them in the first place. But somehow, one day, I start cleaning up the kitchen and there it is – one juicy rotten peach that’s just sat for a little too long.
I’m not eating the rotten peach, don’t worry. I just bought a new peach, and I’m eating it. Aka, writing a blog post. And in honor of, well, honoring ourselves and where we are at today, I am writing a post on anxiety. I’ve written plenty on mental health in graduate school. I don’t think it’s any big secret that for way too many students, it’s absolute trash. Like you might as well just light the brain dumpster on fire and fan the flames, that’s what it be like sometimes.
I personally have been struggling with opening my email. If I didn’t understand anxiety and the irrationality of it all, I would think it absolutely absurd how good I am at avoiding the simple task of inbox maintenance. But I can dance around it all day, and the only thing that has made it better is not even giving myself time to think about it. I just have to rip it open, read the scary emails, and respond right away before I have a moment to doubt and waffle over the made-up stories my brain is telling me about my incompetence and stupidity. Anyone else struggle with checking their emails? Honestly, for some of my peers it seems like it’s a welcome distraction from their actual work, but for me…I’d rather go get a PAP smear, thanks.
And what else? I’m constantly doubting myself. I don’t really know what I’m doing 80% of the time, and I know that’s part of the research process and, in general, being a grad student, but it’s hard to be in a state of uncertainty for such long periods of time. I read something this morning that said “good mentoring usually involves making expectations explicit before they’re used as a basis for criticism,” and it almost made me want to cry. I’m no stranger to criticism, and I’ve slowly but surely been building up my iron fortress to help get myself through grad school, but what really manages to wade across the moat and march right through the drawbridge is that sense of dread that comes when fielding criticism about things I had no idea I was expected to do. Sure, I could avoid this by asking a million questions ahead of time, but one learns to avoid communication with folks who historically have not been top-notch at human interaction. So maybe I should blame myself, or maybe I should ask for clearer expectations. Or maybe I can just get rid of the drawbridge, drain the moat, and hide away in my castle forever.
I love analogies.
I don’t think isolating myself in the castle is the answer, though.
So instead, I practice my anxiety management techniques and thank the stars that I decided to seek psychiatric help. And that Gracie Abrams released a new album today. I included some pictures from a recent trip to Humboldt and also a sailing adventure to the Channel Islands. Get me out on the water more!
Xo, Lozza
